Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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