Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
