Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
