I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
