So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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