mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
