I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
