The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
