Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
