I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
