can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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