Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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