omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You're like the curious george of whores
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
