His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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