its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
