he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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