the condom got lost in my hair
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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