So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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