Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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