Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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