I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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