I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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