he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
