even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
