the condom got lost in my hair
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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