I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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