rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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