there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
