note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
