we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
