You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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