I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
