Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
