im six kinds of drunk right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
