Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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