My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
