so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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