i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
