i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
