just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
