I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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