My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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