Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
