btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
