Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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