This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
