I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
