He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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