I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
