I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
