you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
