I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
